A deeper approach to setting new year resolutions

My intention in sitting down to write this was to wrap 2023 up in a pretty little bow and offer some inspirational words to help you set goals and new year resolutions for 2024, but that wouldn’t be honest for me right now. 2023 was less of a pretty bow and more of a roller coaster, time-warp, PhD in life kind of situation where I had no choice but to sit down, listen to my body, rip apart any type of structure and belief system I had, question all of my dreams for the future, re-evaluate what I want for myself as an individual, look a whole lot deeper and put everything to the test.

So this might not be inspirational in a “New Year, New Me” kind of way, but hopefully it can offer someone out there peace of mind if you had a year remotely similar to mine.

It all started for me with a break up. In January, I left a 6-year relationship with someone I really loved and saw a future with, and thus began my year of rebuilding.

While leaving another human is hard in itself because it forces us to step out of comfort and safety, this is about so much more than that. What was even harder was something I had never considered before - I also had to break up with the person that I had become up until that point in my life. I was leaving behind all that comfort and safety, playing small, not taking any risks, trying to find my worth in places and people outside of myself, not loving myself and putting me and my health first. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I think one of the hardest things any of us can ever do is look hard and deep in the mirror and realize that we’re our own problems, our own fears and our own insecurities. The people in our lives are just the messengers and unfortunately become scapegoats because it’s easier to place blame on others than it is to take responsibility.

But once we realize it’s our own fault, we get a beautiful opportunity to change things.

This is easier sounding and said than done, though. It’s paradoxical because in a way it gives the feeling of control, but ultimately we have to give up all control of the outcomes and solely rely on trusting that whatever choice we make in the present moment will take us where we’re meant to go.

Maybe the pretty bow is TRUST.

At least it sounds pretty… 

And I wish I could say it gets easier, but when our biggest fears and insecurities slap us in the face, it’s no joke. It sucks. Every. Single. Time.

What can change though is how we approach it all. If we allow them to show up and have a voice, we can normalize the complexity of the human experience and emotional spectrum. 

Things don’t have to be good or bad - they can just be. Some things might feel better than others, but without hurt we cannot feel love. Without chaos we cannot feel peace. True inner peace and self-love is an understanding of the nuances and complexities of what it means to be human, rather than the idea of a perfect life, a perfect body, the perfect health, the perfect relationship and family and friendships. Everything is already perfect as it is. Surrender and acceptance of that is where true inner peace lies.

Yet, just because a new year started doesn’t mean we just automatically break free from old patterns, beliefs, and identities. And I’ve finally realized this New Year that there's a huge problem with intention and goal setting. I’m thinking back on all the years I said “This is the year I get in shape.” “This is the year I lose the weight.” This is the year I (fill in the blank).”

As important as it is to have goals to work towards, this formula doesn’t take into account one very crucial part - the space between. The liminal space after an ending and before a beginning where life is both “no more” and “not yet.” As dark and scary as this place is, it’s crucial to rest there because it’s where true transformation happens. It’s the cocoon where the caterpillar becomes the butterfly; a place of pure potential; a place to rest and to dream.

The idea that on the first day of a new year, new month, new week, everything will change is playing into a false sense of control and completely bypasses the roots of the issues we are wanting to change. So if you woke up on January 1 still in the darkness, I encourage you to rest there. Float through and over the waves as they come, when they come, and trust that they are carrying you to shore. Dream and soak up all the possibilities that lie ahead. Your wings are gaining strength and you are close to breaking free.

So 2023, you hurt like hell. You also loved like heaven. You were full of loss and brought so many blessings. You were the real deal - the whole human experience. Maybe every year before that was too, but I was not awake to it. What else is there to do, though but be here, listen, observe, surrender, and honor it all? 

Sending you so many blessings.

- Carissa